The Best Friends Who Don’t Speak

My best friend and I,  we don’t speak. We can hardly look at each other face to face so we avoid the awkward and look down to walk away. She knew everything about me, she knew me when I was weak and stood by me to allow me gain strength. It’s sometimes difficult to move on from a broken heart and we prepare ourselves for those stings from a love but not from a friend. I had planned for us to grow old together, with our kids becoming best friends like we did. But now they probably won’t even know each others name. And smile at each other oddly knowing their related in some way.

One day we’ll look back and remember, reminisce about our adventures and the things we did, but with out each other to vouch it as reality we both get  dubbed crazy. But we can move on, because those are our memories. You the one who believed in my stupid dream, and I the one who pushed for your independence. I believe everything happens for a reason, and I believe in you and your happiness. Hoping and praying you find it, I thank God for your life that it intertwined with mine. Even if it was just for a minute. So unlike a love and a broken heart, I don’t want to punch the girl sitting with you at the bar I just hope she can handle you when you get drunk, and is able make a million memories like the ones we had. 

The Awkward Face I make

Tomorrow, or at this point today or probably yesterday, I will do something that makes me uncomfortable. Something that just the thought of doing it makes me cringe. I’ve stared at the mirror, I’ve stared at my face, I wonder why this is so difficult. I want to do this? No, yes, maybe. Oh man I need to sum up some courage, mix it up with a little strength and pull through this. I feel like maybe now I’m making it more than it is, after all its just a few pictures, actually just my cover shots. That’s all.That face I make  I guess it didn’t go that bad. I’ve chosen a career that requires me to be in front of the camera so why is {above picture} so difficult to do? I ask that same dumb question every time I look at the mirror. But the only answer I can come up with is that I am not who I want to be. At least no yet, I’ve got a long way to go and no potty breaks now! So this is a lot more over thinking than I usually do, but just a little above the norm. After all its just the awkward face I make when you say cheese and I say que es eso?

A whisper of a whisper of what was heard: Gossip

Listening to what she had to say this morning angered me. How could someone judge and spread the venom so quickly. Its no ones business but her owns, she’s an adult and her choices are hers. I thought to myself why someone felt the need to spread things that didn’t even make a difference in their own life. As if telling someone what she heard was going to bring a little juice, a little excitement to her day. She’s no one to judge, she’s made her mistakes, and I’ve stood in the line of fire when it came to evil words spoken about her. I brushed them off, claimed no one was a saint. Now I just wish she had done the same for someone I come to call my best friend. I feel like we all have a lesson to learn, to read books, not gossip, listen to music, not the venom in words. To believe in love, not in distrust. To see the good, but still be cautious of the bad. To mind our own, and not spread the hurt. After all we are all stuck on this planet we call earth.

Triple L

Had a dream about him again last night. But this time it wasn’t that reassuring one when he hugs me, kisses me and tells me I’m ok. In this dream he was actually gone and didn’t even make an apprearence. He was mentioned to me and in the gruesome tragedy of his death I remember crying. I wish I was there, I wish I had said goodbye. I wish I knew why he continued to appear even after all these years. I miss a man I rarely saw, a man who despite that, made my heart skip a beat. Applied a smile on my face, and made me reimagine life.

Cover Letter to God

Dear God,

Why can I not find a job? Is it because I don’t go to church? Lets be honest even when I try I don’t pay attention so whats it all worth? Is it because you think I’m too vain? In all reality you have to admit I’m not. I think I’m ok, I have my flaws. I’m a fan of me because if I wasn’t who’d be? Is it because I’ve sinned? Oh please have we not all? If your judge us all by the things we’ve done little to no one will make it when your kingdom comes. Is it because I have my doubts? Well that you exist I have no doubts, but about all those stories in that book.. Come on! I mean yeah I believe you made miracles and what not, but somethings just seem made up. Oh jeez, I should really stop. At this point I’ll keep my current job until the day I die! Ok so God this is the truth about me and I won’t say anything about all those sinners in the truck of my dreams. I lie, I’ve cheated, I’ve sinned, I’ve lost my better judgement and I’ve lost your way. I refuse to go to mass and I don’t understand why they don’t understand. I judge and I critisize. I lose my cool and fantasize about punching people in the face. But what’s my life all worth if I never became what you placed me on this earth to become? I feel it in my blood, it calls out my name. Its not about the money, its not about the fame. Its about the feeling of telling a story and changing the game. Its about giving them a voice, its about telling a story no one else has heard. Dear God if you’re reading this let me be heard. I’m no one special, I’m just me. So God if you’re listening to me help me please. I can’t promise anything other than I’ll work harder than I ever had before. And you know this because you’ve made me.

Sincerely Yours 


Me? In Working Progress…

When did this become my life? I was once a dreamer with a bright future, when did I hit the brick wall? I’m doing what I never planned to do, and now all that matters is that the check is good.I’m trying to keep my head above water and obtain a licence that cost nothing compared to my bachelors that just gathers dust. This hurts more than a heart break because this wasn’t JUST my love, it was my everything. Am I cursed to follow the yellow brick road to the wizard that will lead me home? What if I fell in love with Oz, and this dream city where I stand before the news, and I write, and its enough to survive? Its not even about a camera anymore, its about doing something that I love with out wondering if the money will be enough. I guess that’s what being an adult is about, paying bills and relearning to walk all over again. About not depending on your parents and being another average citizen. Another average citizen with a degree gone to waste and 4 years gone too fast. My tittle just sits there and reminds me that I’ve done nothing to give it justice. Sometimes I want to call the school and tell them they’ve made a mistake. I don’t deserve this, I’m just another heart break. I’m not worthy of what that piece of paper means. And the more I think about it the more it stings. It’s not that I haven’t tried either, but it probably just hasn’t been enough. I feel like I’ve worked so hard to just stop. I can’t accept this as my reality and that is why it hurts.

Birth date Denial

What does getting older mean? Another year, am I supposed to be more mature by now? I’m not exactly sure what the world wants from me anymore, but I guess I don’t care either. The days leading up seem to hurt so much and I’m not sure why. I cry without a reason, like I’m expecting disappointment. I wonder if it’ll be like this in the coming years. In all actuality a birthday means nothing to anyone except you and I’d hope your mom. I’m trying to make sense of what it means to get older but I’ve found nothing yet. I don’t want to talk about it I just want to get over it. I want to move on and let it be the next three hundred some days of the year. I wouldn’t be thinking so much if it wasn’t so close by. I guess I’m just expecting disappointment where I shouldn’t and it hurts to think that maybe it’ll all just fail. Not just my day, although that is a big one too, but my life and what I stand for. Doesn’t age mean you’re supposed to make something out of yourself? I know I’m going somewhere, but there is nothing like your birthday to make you question everything.

Emotions of a Career

Get it together and get a grip. This is only the beginning and this college degree was just a test. It only gets harder as you try to achieve, you’ll be doubted and ignored. But that has yet to knock you down. You’ve been a warrior thus far, did something not many have overcome. You’ve went through it to achieve you dreams, dealt with the negativity that came with it. There has always been a passion there has always been a spunk. So tell me, Whats different now? If anyone deserves any credit, its you. Believe that soon you’ll reach the stars if you set your mind to. Not everyone can say they’ve went to college, finished in 4 years and fought for their goals. No! So why cry? Why fear? There is no point to it my dear. You know as well as I do, that won’t do no good. So believe in you, like I do. 

Love…. Naturally?

What shall I do with myself. I want people to know what happens but then not really, nope, no I don’t. I was once in love and me being me that was a sad thing. Well of course not while I was in love then it was beautiful and amazing!. It was the afterwards that sucked. It was sad because I kept telling myself, “you knew he would do this to you, why did you stay? I told you to run away! I told you to walk away while you stood on your own two legs, now I have to carry you out.” Yes I have full blown conversations with myself we all do. Most of us just choose to deny it… lames. I crave love and again I sicken myself typing those words, even more saying them out loud. I’ve had to share my best friend with her significant other for about 5 years now. It sucks, because I have to take what I get because she is always with him. I’m happy for her I am, but i’d like to be the one who is shared, the one who has the option. Or even better I want both of to have a love of our own. But this ship doesn’t flow that way, its all over the place. And I know I should be happy because I have so much going on in my life, but I’m missing something. This is bull shit, why can’t life be easy, and love come naturally?Image

War and Hate

I’m not like you. I never was. I could never see through your eyes and see a target instead of a man who probably has a wife. I can’t ever possibly say, its ok to take a life away. Who am I, who are you, who is anyone to judge? You can’t say they are the terrorist when your the one holding the gun. I’m not saying its a dishonor to be a soldier, because I’m sure its a very great honor. But who are you to be the puppet of a government you don’t even understand? I knew your level of knowledge, and I know your told, so you believe. “Point…Breath…Shoot!” I saw on the news and I’ve kept close attention to the man who went on this killing spree. Imminently I thought of you, because even though I don’t want to see you, the thought of war reminds me that there was a you. And I couldn’t help but wonder if you were capable of such actions. Truth is I don’t know. This man that, no politician dare call a Terrorist even though that is what he was. The man that incited fear in not only those on the other side of the gun but in two nations. But rather fear he incited anger and rage in a country that hasn’t had much to gain. Now everyone sits and waits as his lawyers scramble to fix the damage that created such a flame. They blame the war, they blame the Army, they blame his commanding officers, they blame the injury, but no one blames the hate. Its true that the rampage was probably an onset of a number of things. From the very first time this man put a uniform on to the last time he picked up a gun. Its true and every one will soon start to worry how PTSD is treated among-st the soldiers, how they need help and to what point should they be allowed to hold this “honor”. So instead of fixing the issue from the start they create the problem and fix the damage when its done. I’m no one to judge this man, I’m not a relative or one of his buddies sitting next to his cot. I don’t know why he went on a rampage and killed men, woman, and children. But I know it fills me with hate and reminds me that I’m not like you. I never was. Maybe this story sickens you to your stomach too but I know you’ve held your gun and pointed at a man whose name you never learned. I stood by your side and I worried about one of them pulling the trigger or dropping the bomb on the man
I knew as love. But now I’m glad we’re done and we can’t even call each other acquiescence. Because I’d rather not me associated with such hate, and wrongful doing. You mentioned to me in your inebriated nights that you’ve done horrible things, now I can only imagine what those thing were. Only difference is that I can sleep at night now not worried about who I was with, and you can lie awake with the faces whose souls you took away.